Let’s Go Kick Some Whiney Butt

This is an original post written by contributing writer Angela.

“I have a multi-million-dollar blah-blah business, a fantastic marriage blah-blah-blah, a hot blah-blah, and the keys to blah-blahing what you want in life. And if you pay me $BL.AH, I’ll happily share those keys with you! Blah-blah-blah, I’m the bomb. And you want to be Just. Like. ME.” Blah.

If there’s one thing I can’t stand it’s the holier-than-thou crowd (dig a little deeper–they probably have messy private lives: Martha Stewart, anyone?). So before I start writing in earnest for Mom Renewal Project, I need to come clean, first. You know, before you go digging.

The truth is, I’m a mess.

I don’t get enough sleep because the only quiet time in my house is after ten PM, which turns me into Darth Momma the next day. My kids get too much “screen time” because I’m busy either writing or putting together work presentations at home. My home is never clean. I cut my hair once a year. If it wasn’t for hand-me-downs, I’d still be wearing clothes from ten years ago. My husband and I go to bed and get up at different times–without our kung fu class, we’d probably never do anything together. There are days when he catches my eye and sadly mumbles, “I miss you.” And although I love him deeply and I do wish we had more time together, all I can think is, I miss me, too. Because I have no idea where “me” even went.

In her Mom Renewal post on Motherhood and Identity, Tricia Mitchell wrote that “having a baby is like having a Scud missile go off in the middle of your life. After the baby’s born, you can look around and see all of the pieces of your pre-baby life, but they will never go back together quite the same way again.” Dang. Did she ever hit the target. I’m definitely a woman in need of renewal!

But then…maybe you are too. Maybe we’re in the same leaky, little boat.

In my heart-of-hearts, I feel guilty for even complaining. I do have a roof over my head, food in my fridge, and clothes on my back. I live in a vibrant town with fantastic schools, everyone in my little family is healthy, and my husband is a loving man. So what’s my dang problem?

It’s probably lack of sleep more than anything else, I tell myself. I’ve known for a long time that sleep deprivation can lead to depression, as well as cardiovascular disease, diabetes, obesity, and other serious medical conditions (read this article for in-depth info; the comments section is also excellent). It certainly does a number on my brain. Less than 6 hours of sleep and I go over to the Dark Side. My patience slips to .5% of normal and much shouting and snarling generally ensues, hopelessness sets in, and I’m no good to anyone, least of all myself. After years of midnight nursing, checking on kids who fall out of bed or kick off covers in winter, and 4 a.m. bathroom trips, retraining my brain to stay in REM sleep feels darn-near impossible.

And then that Whiney Voice in my head starts up, whispering something nasty like, “You’re going to get fired…your kids’ brains are melting from too many cartoons…your husband is going to leave you…you’re a failure…none of the other moms like you…everyone thinks you’re strange….” I pop in my headphones and crank up the Iron Man soundtrack. “It’s just a matter of time!” Whiney Voice shouts.

I try to drown her out by rereading the post I wrote that went into syndication. (Okay, that was pretty good–I deserved that.) I go for a walk. (Ahh! Fresh air! Yum!) I sit in a book store. (My sanctuary…surrounded by great writers.) I watch a super hero movie. (I’m a Nerd Mom, what can I say?) I kiss my husband soundly. I eat some chocolate. After a while, I start to feel better.

Renewal? Kinda. But temporary at best.

Which is why I think I need this blog.

I have two poems I’ve saved, both written when I was about eleven. I don’t know now what prompted me to write them, but they are both prophetic and inspiring to the grown-up me. Tonight, I pull out my favorite and re-read the last few lines:

The real me is inside / somewhere trying to break free; / The real me is saying, / “Baby don’t you see? The air / in here is hard to breathe, / I’m being crushed by society, / but all of that will never / stop me, ’cause one day / I’ll break free.”

Sure, I expected the responsibilities that come with motherhood, I’m no fool. And I’m not afraid of hard work or struggle. But the mental/emotional pounding is getting to me. I’m hoping that the Mom Renewal Project will help me find that eleven-year-old girl’s voice again, amplify it, and drown out Ms. Whiney until she’s a whisper of a thought. And if you have your own brave little girl voice within you (I know you do…she’s in there!), then perhaps we can laugh and fight and shout together in triumph along the way.

Are you ready?

(*big woosh of breath*)

Good.

Let’s go kick some Whiney butt.

(Note: Angela Orr is going to bed early tonight!)  Although her stint has ended as Angela O., regular contributor to Silicon Valley Moms Group’s national blog (through no fault of her own, just so Whiney Voice knows), she’s looking forward to collaborating with a new set of amazing writers on the Mom Renewal Project.  Angela also writes about her Kung Fu experiences in From Basic Training to Black Sash: A Mother’s Wing Chun Journey, and expounds upon everything from the Sundance Film Festival to the death of a real-life warrior in A World of Words.  On Twitter, she’s @AngelOrr.