Rediscovering Your Pre-Wife-Mom Self

This is an original post written by contributing writer Daenel Vaughn-Tucker.

I remember when the doctor first handed my daughter to me and said “Here, Mom, meet your daughter.”  As I cradled my baby in my arms, I felt Daenel slowly melting away, she was becoming replaced by this person who would be known as “Tony’s wife” or “so and so’s mom.”  For the next ten years.  Yes, that’s how long it took me to realize that I didn’t have to give up myself in order to be a wife and mom.

By that time, I had given up friends, hobbies and all the things that had made me, well, me.  Not only did this affect the way I felt about myself but it started to affect my marriage.  As my children got older and needed me less, I discovered that I wasn’t prepared to move forward with my husband into the next stage of our marriage.  The things that had attracted my husband to me had been tossed aside for the things that made me “Supermom” – you know, the ability to check homework, cook a gourmet meal, clean the house and get kids to and from their various activities in a single bound.

I remember the day that I realized that I needed to find balance between the woman, the wife and the mother.  All of my children were at school, my husband was at work and I was home alone wondering what to do next.  I spent the next few hours trying to remember all the things that I used to like to do before I had become a wife and mom:

• Read novels
• Hang out with friends
• Dance
• Watch movies
• Draw
• Write

It had been so long since I had done anything just for me that I had honestly forgotten what it was that I enjoyed doing.  One of the hardest things for women to remember is that they were women before they became wives and mothers and that they don’t give that up just because they wear a wedding band or have children.  Taking time for yourself and remembering your pre-wife-mom identity does not make you selfish, it makes you better.

Our wife-mother role is to be a helpmeet to our husbands and a nurturer to our children but these roles cannot be fully realized if we do not take the time to refuel, recharge and rediscover who we are as women.  I encourage you to take the time to rediscover your pre-wife-mom self by taking a few minutes to remember the things that excited you and brought you joy.  Write those things down and then jot down a little note beside each item stating why you enjoyed it and then try to find a way to incorporate those things into your everyday life.

Daenel Vaughn-Tucker is a wife, mom, grandmother, librarian and history instructor, who has a quirky sense of humor and an unnatural obsession with coffee, shoes, handbags and pop culture.  She lives in the mountains of Pennsylvania with her husband, children and Squeekerz, a Jack Russell Terrier-Chihuahua mix.

You can read more from Daenel at her blogs:  Curious Child’s Library Wanderings and Living Outside the Stacks.