This is an original post written by contributing writer Alexandra.
I remember pushing the bright green stroller that my mother had just given me, my 3 week old son asleep inside, lap after lap, inside the closest shopping mall to our home. I was always there in the morning, and the early mall walkers were already there with me. I didn’t know it then, but I was doing the right thing that I needed to be doing for my mental state at the time.
I was almost 36 years old, when our first child was born. I had worked outside of the home since I was 16 years old. The majority of my friends were made up of the people I had met while I had worked at the many jobs I had held throughout my life. Then, literally overnight, I found myself alone.
I went from working full time, to staying home full time, with a baby, just like that. I had no friends. I knew no one who stayed home with their children. I had been so focused on finally having the baby I had been waiting my entire life for, that I never gave any thought as to who I would be with. Who would I be with? Now, when I think of that, I can see how unprepared I was for the overnight landslide of changes that going from working outside of the home to solely staying home, had brought.
I was lonely. Lonely as a word can’t even begin to describe the loss and void and empty hole I felt at not seeing people on a daily basis. I didn’t know where to start to make any connections. I never felt prepared to meet anyone. I felt I always looked a mess, and any free time I had I thought should be spent in keeping up my home. Having an infant with colic who only slept 2 hours at the most at any one time, I had no time for anything other than trying to get sleep myself.
The emptiness that I felt began to settle over my entire life, leaving me feeling numb and worsening the isolation I was already living in. I remember thinking that even if I had met someone, that I wouldn’t have been able to put 3 words together to form a sentence, much less manage a give and take conversation.
Yet, on this morning, pushing my 3 week old newborn in his equally new stroller, I was walking laps at the local mall. Somehow, my survival instincts were still intact enough to tell me, “interact, interact.” And so I did. There was a small Toddler Story Time at the bookstore there. Even though I felt out of place with a newborn among moms with toddlers, I still made my way toward the back of the children’s section, and stayed throughout the entire reading. I continued to show up weekly, and keep my place at the back, every Wednesday morning. Interact, interact. Interact to survive, and maintain sanity–I knew this I had to do.
The Center for Cognitive and Social Neuroscience at the University of Chicago has done much research on the subject of lonelinesss. Their surveys and studies have found that loneliness has a broad and profound health effect on our overall well being. People who are lonely have significantly higher incidences of diabetes, heart related illnesses, sleep disorders, obesity, and high blood pressure. These are just the physical tolls, there is a multitude of emotional, as well, such as increased occurrence of anxiety, insomnia, depression, and withdrawal. Being lonely affects all areas of your health.
I remember how I felt at this time of my life, not knowing anyone, having no connections, and alone with a newborn. It was the saddest time that I have ever lived through. I knew that I had to make changes for my family, and for me. My child needed a happy mother, and I needed to be a happy mother.
And, so, I planned my path to digging myself out of this dark tomb I felt I was encased in. I joined moms groups, church groups, diaper bag clubs, new moms clubs, la leche leagues. Whether I made the meetings or not, it didn’t matter, I had joined. I had a place to go. When I was able to attend a meeting, and felt rested enough to make it safe to drive, I was there. I had activities scheduled every morning of the week, just like a job.
Did I make friends at every group I belonged to? No. But, I did connect with 3 women, from 3 different mornings, whom I remember fondly to this day. This was 16 years ago, and we have since fallen out of touch. But I remember Anne, Carrie, and Lara. They were part of the fabric I was then weaving in my new life as a stay at home mother. They were the essential threads holding the tapestry together for me.
It did take the entire first year of my new life, to make solid, social connections. After I survived what I now think of as the most difficult year of my life, I decided to learn more about loneliness. During my search for information, I found a book called “Lonely”, a memoir written by Emily White. In her memoir, Emily provides the reader with manageable action items to bring friendships into your life. There are suggestions to volunteer, create park playgroups, begin a church group, attend free lectures. Her book offers limitless ideas for starting points in looking for connections.
If you are feeling lonely now, or are in a situation where life is different from what it once was for you, I truly feel that learning about loneliness, and realizing the importance of being proactive in creating social connections is critical for our healthiest survival. I knew that I couldn’t wait for friends to come my way, I had to be active and seek them out; my mental and physical survival depended on it. Interactions and smiles with my child depended on him having a happy, unlonely mother.
Through that very sad and difficult year, I came to realize that life should be lived fully, and that we should not merely exist in it. Friendships can and do help us feel that our life is to the brim and full with companionship, understanding, and purpose. Connection to others is critical for a satisfying life. If you have to work to create these connections and keep loneliness away, then that, I realized, is what you have to do.
Alexandra works as both a caterer and stay at home mother to 3 boys in a small town. She keeps a personal blog www.gooddayregularpeople.com, where she co-blogs with her children of their adventures in homeschooling. To quote Alexandra, “it is all snips and snails and puppy dog tails”.
I really use what you describe in “My child needed a happy mother, and I needed to be a happy mother” as a mantra to get out of bad states of mind.
Thanks for sharing your story. You were bright enough to help yourself out of some bad times and this can surelly encourage others to do the same. I´m definetelly sharing this one 🙂
What a powerful post. What struck me the most was that the feeling of loneliness that you describe is not just a SAHM thing. In performing research for our forthcoming book, Good Enough is the New Perfect, we learned that women felt alone no matter what path they chose — SAHM, WAHM, full-time back at work mom … whatever! This resonated so much with me because now that we have so many choices, it seems like no one is making the same one, and that leads to a feeling of loneliness, or at least “aloneness” and isolation. Thank you for sharing on this important topic.
It is always an honor and a pleasure to be featured at MomRenewal, Stacey.
Loneliness is a subject that has carved its way into my life, since I survived it. I know there aer other women who may be living through it right now.
I hope to connect with them, and let them know, that sometimes we have to be active and change the parts of our life that we do not like.
Thank you, Stacey, for bringing this site together, and making it such a lovely place for connections and friendships to be made.
We appreciate it!
I think I need to read that book. And that’s all this normally chatty writer can think of to say right now. Because I? Am lonely in a sea of people.
I know. Boo hoo. But this was very powerful. Thank you!
Oh, Empress, I remember that dark and lonely first year. We lived 500 miles away from all family, and I was the only person in our social circle to have a baby. So, home all day, no longer working, and stuck in the 4 walls of the house. It sucked.
Yeah. I was a prisoner in my home when I brought my son home at 3.5 months old. Nobody was allowed near him. I allowed few people into my home. Holidays that year were just my husband, myself and the wee fragile boy.
That was a lonely year.
What a great post. Even though I’m not a mom I can totally relate as I was the reverse… watching all my new-mom friends make new friends and talk about all the new adventures, feeling like I had nothing to contribute. No more nights out, far less visits. Regardless of the how, why and when it’s always tough to be at a different stage in life than the people around you. You captured a lot of the same emotions I often feel. A person does need to push through. Well done!
Wow. You are amazing! And with your around writing, I never feel lonely. I mean that. I never feel lonely. I write and I enjoy it, AND I probably have a lot to learn, BUT you have a gift. And you have embraced your writing talents…Every time I look, you are guest-posting on another blog.
Thanks for writing.
Every Mom needs to read this.
That’s with YOU around writing…*sigh*
I can relate to this post so much. I became a SAHM with my first, too and we had just moved to a new town. To top it off, my husband worked crazy overtime hours and shift work. Most of the time it was The Baby and me. Going back to work when he was a year old saved my life. I’ve been meaning to blog about this sometime….
Oh Alexandra, I feel like you had described my own life. It’s been years since that first year and so I guess there isn’t much occasion to go back and talk about it, but I’m so glad that you did and thus gave this … state or condition an actual name and word. It really is that plain and simple: loneliness. I was in a very similar situation – I had worked and been busy/active my whole life before becoming a mother at 35. I was overseas at the time and my colleagues were my family and then boom, one day I was just home in a suburb 50 minutes from the city and my husband and friends and where I lived, no one spoke English. I remember going through days where I felt like I never heard the sound of my own voice (except when I was talking or singing to my son) because my husband was also working 16 hour days. But then we survived somehow….because, like you said, somehow we have that instinct to do what we need to do. The following year I became a volunteer English story reader at a playgroup and also started my own playgroups at home and started studying Japanese with a tutor. Step by step. Thanks for writing this – I hope that new mothers will have a chance to see your post!
No one tells you just how lonely it is when you first become a mom. I went through much the same thing, only it took me over a year to really try to get out there and meet people.
I’m going through much the same thing now b/c I’ve moved and it’s just so hard to try again.
Dragging myself out of the house, dressed in XL sweatpants and feeling as frumpy, ugly and desperately lonely, to a new mom’s support group when my 1st was 7 weeks old was the single best thing I did as a first-time mom. Meeting women in the same situation as me – career women with their first baby, all of us groping for some sort of sanity – was truly a lifesaver.
I continue some of those friendships today, almost seven years later.
popped over from empress’…
i can relate (as a dad)…i took a job in anticipation of selling our house and moved ahead of the fam…for 8 months i was on my own (the contrast fel through and the market collapsed) it was the most miserable time. i eventually quit and moved back home…best decision i ever made…connection is hugely important…
God, the crushing loneliness of the stay-at-home mom. Nobody prepared me for it. Crazy thing is, it took me a year to even realize that I was really lonely. Then I joined one of those Strollercize classes. I didn’t make any good friends, actually, but it was at least good to get some activity and talk to someone.
that was a great post, and while I didn’t feel that lonely after the birth of the twins…I know how it feels to be lost for a while.
I am also not a stay at home mom and I commute to work with my husband since we both work for the same company, I am far from lonely….but I know how it feels, I remember it from times in my life when I was…when I was single and looking for a mate and thinking I’d never find him…and it was horrible…trying to date in a new city, working in a different state from where I lived and trying to get to a “good place” …thanks for this post, while I don’t feel lonely now, I know that feeling and I hope that someone that feels this way, reads this and knows that there are outlets ….
I went through many of the same emotions – but I think as mothers, regardless of whether you are a SAHM, WAHM or work out of the home, there is a sense of lonliness that comes with the territory – and the second guessing that comes with, “Am I doing the right thing?” seems to prevail.
Thanks for such an honest post.
Alexandra, I felt exactly the same way. Although I was only 22 when I had my first son, I joined all sorts of groups where I felt a little out of place for being so much younger than the other mothers. I did make several good friends and stayed with one group for years, until we moved. I still send holiday cards to the ladies who helped salvage my sanity is a sea of loneliness.
The way you describe your experience makes me feel like you were living inside my head during the early days with my first son. It really is incredible how isolating those days are, even while they’re also some of the most magical. I stay home with my two sons (ages 1 and 3) and I still schedule a lot of activities for our mornings – for me, really, as much as for them.
Great post!
I know how that is. I was 18 when my oldest was born. I went from perky, freshly highschooled teenager to mom of a newborn. I had a massive identity change BEFORE I had found my own identity! WHERE did I fit? Not with the teeny boppers, no I had a kid. Not with the moms. I was STILL a kid. I had no hole to fit in. I didn’t have tons of friends to begin with and I didn’t know which end was up in the ways of domesticity. I didn’t fit ANYWHERE. I made it, just by the grace of God, because Heaven knows I sure couldn’t have done it alone! And now, 10 years, 2 more boys later, I have figured out WHO I am. 🙂 Oh yeah, I still get lonely, and being the only person in this house that understands the importance of chocolate, coffee, and hot baths especially during that “special” time each month, makes me feel even more alone sometimes. Life with testosterone is interesting, even though maybe not always the easiest to relate to, them to me, me to them. I just know in about 6 more years they’re going to hold a seminar in the school room, Dad with a pointer explaining the 3 most fearsome letters to the male society: PMS… Whoops.. rambling.
Nice to know that even when we’re alone, we’re technically NOT alone, even though we don’t find out for a while. Love you, Empress. **polishes crown** You’re the master of poignancy.
Oh, how I wish this could be distributed to every new mom upon leaving the hospital with that precious bundle in her arms. How I wish people could know that they are not alone, that change is always difficult, and if we do not help it along, it can almost cripple us in loneliness. The approach taken to changes in life, whether it be moves, motherhood, careers– well, the approach profoundly affects the outcome. If there’s one lesson I have learned, it’s that. Thank you for sharing your words, your journey, your knowledge. It can be so helpful to read what you have felt coming from someone else. Thank you fro this post!
It wasnt until I had my twins that I got really lonely. My husband was working a lot of OT. And I was a breastfeeding mom who was trapped in the house. Whenever ANYONE came over I held them hostage any way I could.
I was lonely like that after my son was born. Working full time…than home full time with a newborn and was having a terrible breastfeeding. I felt isolated and inept but it helped talking with friends and having the support of friends who had been there before.
Thanks so much for sharing your story. I agree…reaching out is key 🙂
Oh Alexandra, how I just want to pick you up and squeeze the shat out of you. I would have never of known this about you. When I stalk…errr…read your blog you are so confident and people flock to you. I am so sorry that you had to experience this.
I too had an issue with lonelines but it stemmed from my postpartum depression. I ended up with severe agoraphobia and was terrified to leave my home. My friends and family didn’t understand and while they tried the best they could to help, I felt utterly alone. That is such a terrible feeling.
Thank you for opening up.
i understand lonlieness too well.
i took G to her new dance class at 9 am on saturday mornings a couple of weeks ago. wasn’t looking forward to it (i’m so not a morning person) but when i got there met the lovliest couple of ladies in the lobby. now, i volunteer to get up early on saturday to take G. it’s the one hour a week i get to just chat it up about nothing…
Oh, oh, oh. I have tears in my eyes. You just described my early days as a mom. I had my first child and very shortly thereafter we moved to a new city. I was Lonely. So painfully lonely. We’ve been here four years now, and it took almost two years for me to feel connected. Like you say, it’s work to find those connections and beat the loneliness. Nobody really warned me that leaving my life at work to start a life at home would be so incredibly difficult. The reward, the time with my boys is amazing, and worth every minute of it. But yikes – those first couple years were tough.
Beautiful post, beautiful writer. Thanks for this.
What a wonderfully written post, Alexandra. As many others, this described me to a “T” as well. And how I tried — but I always felt so awkward, so out of place at mommy groups. Never quite fit in. Heck, my boy is 8 years old and I’m STILL lonely. (Holy crap, did you just hear those violins? hehe.)
This post brought tears to my eye. Because I felt like that after my son was born but I didn’t have the courage or means to be as brave as you are Empress! I lived in a really small town, I can’t drive, we doesn’t have a car, and there’s no one around our neighborhood that have a baby. It was really rough and I was so unhappy. Thankfully now I’m on the right path to be happy again. 😀 This is a gem of a post!
hi, alexandra — i’m a fellow contributing blogger here at momrenewal.com, & just wanted to let you know how much i enjoyed your post! i’ve been feeling a little lonesome over my blog lately, & just posted about it … hoping to create some new connections out here in the blogosphere! warmly, kristen 🙂
It’s funny that none of us realizes going in how isolating and lonely it is to be alone all day with an infant. This conversation is really helpful to new moms. I’m glad you had the instincts to get out and interact!
I’m sure many can relate.
I started blogging because I was lonely. I can be a bit of a hermit and have spent much of my life enjoying being alone, but I never felt isolated until I became a mother. Things are so much better now, but it took awhile to find my footing and feel connected.
I’m so very sorry for your struggles dear lady, and so very proud of you for finding your way out of the dark. Calling it a difficult task is a massive understatement.
I battled isolation and PPD after #1, but with #2, I was too darn busy just trying to keep him healthy – loneliness isn’t the word per se, because the effort to connect with any other mom of a “typical” child was just too much for me to bear – banished to another world is more like it. On the outside, looking through a window at the beauty of normal newborn issues. I thought I had felt loneliness before those months. I had no clue.
My body craves alone time for sure. But loneliness? That is a feeling I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy.
I have been thinking about writing a post about the loneliness I felt when my second son was born. I think it takes guts to admit one is lonely after having a child — I mean, people must think, Well, you’ve got a new buddy right there, what are you complaining about! It was great Karma for me to read your post. Thanks!
God, I just love me some Empress. Thanks, Alexandra, for another insightful and powerful post. My life experiences are a bit different since I’m not yet a mom, but I know a few supermoms I’d really love to share this with. I think it would mean the world to them.
Very touching, & relatable, speaks to every mother who has found herself trapped within the same four walls, longing for adult interaction! But I love the positive spin of acknowledging your loneliness & getting out there to do something about it! It’s so important to reach out…frankly, Facebook was my salvation, it opened up an entire world of socializing & adult connections on a daily basis that helped me through a lot of long lonely winters stuck home with kidlets! And of course, I heart you no matter what you have to say… :-))
My heart ached when I read this article. For two reasons. First, because it was written so beautifully and I could really feel your pain. Second, because I felt the same way. Transitioning to being a stay-at-home mom was hard for me. I was used to being around people all the time and then suddenly I was home with a baby whose linguistic accomplishments included barfing and blowing spit bubbles. But I did what you did. I reached out. And I found lots of wonderful friends who are my support system today. Those first few lonely months were hard, but I think going through them was a kind of rite of passage for me. They made me think about who I really am? What is important to me? What definies me as a person? And I began to realize that the surface things I used to depend on to feel good about myself were just a thin veneer. Thank you for this beautiful essay. You are a wonder and a treasure to us all.
I’ve been going through this myself. We moved to a new place where we didn’t know anyone and it has been hard to put myself out there and make friends here.
But I can do it. I can find those groups and start that interactions. Thanks for the reminder.
Thank you to all you lovely, lovely, loving women who stopped here and left your sincere pearls of words.
I have visited each of your sites, and find you to be intelligent, caring, connected people…the kind that make the world a better place. To my new blog friends now: I’m glad we’ve met. And to the kind readers that followed over here to MomRenewal: Thank You so very, very much.
Yep. That would perfectly describe the first year I spent as a mother. Also known as LAST YEAR. Oh, Alexandra, you have such an eloquence when you write about such topics – such an inclusive quality that makes everyone say, I’m not alone! The Empress feels that way too! Thank you for that.
Alexandra, Your honesty about loneliest has touch me to the core. It reaffirms exactly why I have turned my blog into a multi-blogger community and it has also inspired me to write my own blog post about my first 12-weeks of motherhood. Thank you for being you and for touching on a topic that is quietly felt in so many moms’ hearts.
You described the lonliness feeling of new motherhood perfectly. It’s hard to describe and express it, but you managed to do it here.
My first year was even harder due to PPD. I wished I could’ve read this back then to know I wasn’t alone. This is going to help a lot of new moms, Empress. It’s so relatable and beautiful.
It’s so good to write like this and help other moms to understand that the things they “suffer” are not exclusive to them. Loneliness can be a killer. Even though I’m new at this whole mom gig, I KNOW that I absolutely couldn’t survive without my support network… especially other moms. I need a few mom friends with kids at similar age to mine, but also mom friends who are further down the track. Both are so necessary. And then there are the single friends and/or childless friends… I know that I need them too, but that’s one I probably find a little bit harder – just knowing how to maintain those connections and keep those friendships flourishing. It’s a challenge, certainly, but I know a worthwhile one. Thanks for sharing your experience as well as what you’ve learned. Great tips for us. x